In the Hallway
When one door closes, another opens. However it is hell in the hallway. Hell seems overly dramatic. Perhaps really uncomfortable?
I know on an intellectual level that I have no control over my life, over how things unfold, despite my intentions and actions. That said, to exist on this planet I do need to plan. The times I find most comfortable are when my life is reliably stable, when my routines are set, when I know the structure of my day.
That has not been the case for the last three months. I am in the process of a moving from New York to the country and nothing feels for sure. Nothing is locked down, plans change from moment to moment.
My city apartment. In early February, an interested buyer Always great luck especially in a less that vibrant real estate market.
We began the process of negotiations with the usual back and forths. We ran the financials by the board for preliminary approval. The members were unimpressed.. A recalibration of the numbers and the bid proved acceptable. (Nothing would be worse for both parties than to go through the three month process only to have the sale rejected). Finally resolution. Both parties agreed to terms and the purchase and sale agreement executed. That was three weeks ago and the buyer has yet to sign.
In the country, smooth sailing. The builders could not have been more accommodating. The alterations and terms easily agreed. The purchase and sale went smoothly until the final inspection. The finding, radon levels were off the chart.
Indeed, a step back. My lawyer advised that we not close until the problem was resolved. Radon specialists were called and were unavailable for at least a month. All my plans changed. Scheduled appointments cancelled until further notice, movers, tradesmen, furniture deliveries all on hold.
Then an entire new set of negotiations and legal documents for early entry. Graciously extended by the seller, this means I can move things into the apartment and proceed in good faith. I cannot sleep there. (A good thing as the radon is still unresolved.) More rescheduling.
My life is in flux. I know little of the hows and whens of my future. When will my New York apartment sell? When will the radon issue be resolved? When will I buy my new pad? When will I become a Connecticut resident?
I recall an analogy told me in far away times. Life is like driving in the dark. You can only see what your headlights illuminate, the next piece of the road. Life is like that especially during times of transition. Just do the next right thing, the chore or plan that is right before you. Bring your focus to the immediate, not the long term.
Does this awareness mean I have restful nights? That I do not obsess about what is the next step? Or harbor ridiculous fears and imagined casualties? Or that my brain imagines the worst possible scenarios? Absolutely not.
All I know for sure is that I will move. The details are well beyond my comprehension. I can however report, it is quite uncomfortable in the hallway.
I ask for rest today and quietness unshaken by the world's appearances. I ask for peace and stillness in the midst of all the turmoil born of clashing dreams. I ask for safety and for happiness although i seem to look on danger and on sorrow. I ask to remember how blessed I am.