Caring

Why Should I Care? The Complexities of Caring

Short as life is, we make it still shorter by the careless waste of time. - Victor Hugo

I recently heard the story of an older lady who, early one morning, had taken two buses and a subway in New York City to deliver a package to an upscale apartment building. To her dismay, the family had already left town when she arrived tired and breathless. She was distraught as she had been told, only the day before, that the delivery was important. She was very stressed as she was due to deliver a lecture that morning for which she was now late. She had a caring heart and was always ready to serve even though this occurrence wasn't an isolated incident in this relationship that spanned many decades.

We are encouraged to pursue these loftier ideals of caring. "Everybody can be great because everybody can serve," the Reverend Martin Luther King famously declared. Enacted by Congress in 1994, we even have the MLK Day of Service to inspire us to move closer to Dr. King's version of a "beloved community." It is stirring stuff but caring for others is complicated for we are complex beings living in complex times.

From an observer's perspective, the dynamic in the caring lady's experience appears simple. What is a vital demonstration of consideration for one person is valued differently for the other. Complex relationship dynamics like this play out every day, creating stress, inequity, depression, conflict and manipulation.

In broad terms, people can be divided into two groups with very different approaches to caring. Some, like our lady, care too much and compromise themselves. The world is full of overly caring people who feel the weight of responsibility and take it very seriously, spending precious time on problems which are not their burden.

Then we have those who never take responsibility, even when it is theirs to assume—often being cynically aware that the caring vacuum this creates is overcompensated for by the over-carers.

Why we care and why we don't stem from impulsive reflexes and conscious decisions that arise from a complex alchemy of psychology, upbringing, culture, education, beliefs and values.

The first reason when we think about why we care is love. It seems straightforward but love is a multifaceted emotion. It can be selfless, prioritizing the well-being and empowerment of others or it can be shadowy, exerting control under the guise of love.

Then there is the relationship between caring and the emotion of guilt. Guilt creates unpleasant feelings when we know or imagine we have done something wrong. We might overcompensate with caring as we try to soothe the unhappiness. We might replace caring with denial and neglect which exacerbates unpleasant feelings.

We may care because we are imbued with a sense of duty that comes from our desire to be good people. We may feel an obligation to be responsible citizens or family members. We may fear other people's opinions. We may not even care much but wish to appear in a good light.

Living in a world filled with bad news and catastrophic events, it's easy to get caught up in caring about everything. However, our current culture often encourages a victim mentality, shifting responsibility to others. For those with caring hearts, it's crucial to discern what's truly worth our time and energy and what makes a meaningful difference.

How best can we navigate these complexities of caring for our well-being and the well-being of others? Working out for what we are and are not responsible is complicated but some retrospection will help. Ask yourself and be honest: Is this my issue for which to care? Is my life affected by the consequences? Can I make a difference? Am I enabling irresponsible behavior or empowering someone to be better? Am I investing energy in a situation that will never change?

Our well-being is jeopardized when we get drawn into situations that are not ours and can't improve. Misplaced, unnecessary caring will negatively impact you and compromise those who depend on you. Your time is a most precious resource. Use it wisely and contribute to a better world when you care for situations and people who are worthy of your care.