Real Man vs Fake Man
Defining Today’s Masculinity
The stronger a man is, the more gentle he can afford to be.
- Elbert Green Hubbard American writer, publisher, artist, and philosopher
Today there's a lot of discussion of what it means to be a man, what it means to be a woman. I see in reality masculine and feminine traits have less to do with gender and more to do with who we are.
Former British Prime Minister, Theresa May, was a tough negotiator with the complex task of leading Britain out of the European Union; she wore pretty kitten heels. Former heavyweight champion boxer Mike Tyson, the most feared fighter of his generation, cared for his racing pigeons with the tenderness of a mother.
We all have a unique blend of masculine and feminine traits. This is important to keep in balance. If you combine gentleness with strength it becomes flexible making it stronger.
It can be a challenge to maintain balance which is why we need both masculine and feminine to make it work. For example there's a fine line between "being in control" or "being controlling," between being assertive or being ruthless; between being firm or being rigid. Today's rise in overtly aggressive masculine behavior feels disturbing. It knocks us off balance which, as I learned from experience, is damaging and potentially dangerous.
My father, a working farmer, died unexpectedly at sixty-eight. He'd been a very kind and strong man in every sense. He cared for his family, other people, the land and the animals. He was a role model who led by example.
After our father's death, my eldest brother became head of the family and took over running the farm. It was such a relief, particularly for my mother who was in a vulnerable space. "You don't need to worry about a thing," I remember him saying. "Trust me, I’m the only one who can do this!" Two years later he had almost bankrupted my mother. Physical intimidation and ten years of expensive litigation followed, so intense that the case ended in the High Court in London.
It shocked me because of my father's excellent example of what it means to be a real man. He was courageous, courteous and compassionate to a fault. There was simply no comparison between him and my eldest brother who turned out to be a fake man—a fake man who wanted total control, no matter the cost, believing he was the only one who mattered.
So I know firsthand the destruction the shadow masculine can create and I know firsthand the value of the masculine traits that make the world a better place.
These days things have become confusing. Because physical strength no longer determines who gets ahead, lines between traditional mens’ and women’s’ roles have blurred. It’s not surprising that this creates both turmoil and unrest. What is good news for some is threatening to others who, feeling lost, want to return to the past. This has created an uptick in aggressive, divisive masculine behavior which, ironically, has the support of a percentage of not only men but also of women.
Rather than allowing this situation to create more division and suspicion, I suggest we move beyond reflexive gender stereotypes. Instead of turning our backs on masculinity altogether or allowing toxic masculinity run amok, we place the proper value on the valuable masculine traits we all share, such as bravery, strength, generosity, gentleness and providing for others.
